Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I know..

Things started to go shaky these few months. Got caught in problems here and there. Thanked God, aku sentiasa ada orang yang sedia mendengar masalah aku, even when I'm really down. I mean really really down. Tapi tak tahu sama ada dia mendengar masalah itu sebagai satu informasi sahaja, atau memang nak tahu perkembangan and somehow do care about me. To hell all those stupid questions. At least she's there. Yup, its a SHE, the opposite of HE, an obviously different gender than me. Sebenarnya tergerak hati untuk tulis malam ni sebab dah lama tak tulis and I do feel something stupid running all over my head and its not flea! The 'she' that I've mentioned above actually dah beberapa kali muncul dalam posting kat blog ni. She do, sometimes, plays a big part in my life. Bukan apa, aku rasa yang level antara aku dengan dia agak tinggi, so it motivates me to be better each and every second of my life. If I can't be with her in this life, at least I do improve myself on certain things. Betul la kan? It helps me in another way around.

Yes, I do fall for her several times, most of the time I guess. Tapi aku kadang-kadang rasa lebih baik aku diamkan benda ni walaupun aku tahu dia memang dah tahu. Hey, things do happen in my life and I can see it right in front of my bloody eyes, okay. Bukan nak kata she is the one for me but she might be the one for me. Might be which means its still a long way to go. Memang aku kenal dia quite a long time. We've been a part for sometimes, meet back again, know other people, go here and there. That's what life is kan? We don't get stucked in one place and learn nuts. Dulu pernah banyak kali aku berdoa, andaikata dia bukan yang terbaik untuk aku maka jauhkan lah aku dengan dia. But we're getting closer and closer. TAPI!! When things get too close, dia akan hilang and somehow be with some other guy. D'uh! What do I need to do? Well, I don't wait and do nothing, I have to walk on and on again. And bila aku terjebak dengan someone, dia datang balik and somehow makes me feel confuse. Aku kena main? Sorry la, I got a lot of things to take care too. But she's still sitting in the best place in my life. Ye la, takkan aku nak cakap benda merepek pulak kan. I do throw my dice too, I have my own life jugak, just get over it je la. And even when she's with someone last time, she told me that she can't forget about me. WTF?!! I've been here waiting for you all the time before, and you leave the door unlocked for some other guy, and now? Aku tak marah kat dia, no point la friend. She's still a friend in me. Her happiness is my joy, even though she have to be with seseorang yang bukan aku. That's the truth of life kan.

Okay, that was history. Now move on to 2010, the present. I don't really know her current status; single, in a relationship, in a complicated relationship, in a broken relationship, in a relationship that is under construction, etc. Seriously aku tak tahu. And I dare not to ask her sebab I think its better for me to be an observer. Yes, memang aku penakut, bacul, apa lagi korang nak cakap? Biase la, takkan la aku nak tanya 'awak sekarang ni ade bf ke?'. WTF?! Macam nak usha awek skolah. Memang aku tahu sekarang ni kitorang agak rapat, I give her advices, she listen to me, I listen to her problems, I talk to her about my problem, and so on. And aku pun tahu yang dia pun ramai 'kawan' lain, other than me. Kawan-kawan yang can be with her anytime. Well, aku tahu dan aku sedar di mana tempat aku berdiri. I know where I stand, I know where I sit. I'm not really a good guy, I'm just an ordinary person who love someone and hoping that can bring the best to my future. Aku tahu kalau nak dibandingkan dengan kawan dia yang lain tu, aku ni jauh berbeza. I don't have those good promising job, I don't have those fancy cars, I don't have anything. Aku kerja sendiri, baru nak start pun, hopefully boleh la success. I'm already tired of listening to girl-guy problem which proves that guys are stupid lover and girls are easy lover. Seriously I'm not joking! Hmm...mungkin satu hari nanti baru dia nak betul-betul rapat dengan aku kot. We never try this before, we just get along as a friend nothing more than that. Yes, a friend that knows the other one is in love with you. She knows what I'm feeling and I know where I'm standing. Maybe someday...Maybe someday..

~huummm....Feels like I'm a loser..damn!

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